I am not doing well.
Grieving is hard, always. Grieving for someone really central to your being is especially difficult. Also we were healing together, until - she didn’t make it, I guess, and I keep plowing on, alone. I keep wanting to call her, we were getting each other through. We always did get each other through.
My physical recovery is also so slow as to be scary. I continue to be anemic and I’m not sure why. The cat keeps decking me and I’ve had two falls in the last week because of him. We are finally For Real considering rehoming him, because it’s one thing that he’s a menace, but he’s now actually become more than I can safely handle. It’s not like we haven’t been trying for five years. But this is also sad, it also breaks my heart. My sister offered to take him and for once, I finally started thinking seriously about how much better it would be for me without him around. I think rehoming pets is unethical. But I also think I might have to do it. We never knew it would come to this with my body.
My husband went to CA for all of four days for a big wedding. I was devastated to miss it, but I struggled so much home alone that I realize there is no way I could have ever gone. My sister came to keep me company for a day/night while he was gone and we had one of the best visits we have had together in years. Her life is not easy either. All we can offer each other is love.
Throughout this my people keep showing up for me. Love makes me feel held. I know my body will keep waking every day and keep breathing, and that’s good, because I need it to do so. And my friends hold me in their hearts and wait for me. It’s been so long. The doctors all warned me how long a recovery could take. I didn’t believe them.
I’m scared and sad and used up. My heart hurts deeply. But things are going to change and I’ll be right here waiting when they do.
-J